Transcript of Spider-Man: Homecoming

This page contains dialogue related to Spider-Man: Homecoming.

The content below is copied verbatim from the Marvel Cinematic Universe and thus copyrighted by Marvel Studios.

This transcript involves dialogue with Vulture, Tinkerer, Shocker, Anne Marie Hoag, Spider-Man, Happy Hogan, and Iron Man.

Adrian Toomes: Things are never gonna be the same now. I mean, look at this. You got aliens. You got big green guys tearing down buildings. When I was a kid, I used to draw cowboys and Indians.
Phineas Mason: Actually, it's Native American, but whatever.
Adrian Toomes: Yeah. Tell you what, though. It ain't bad, is it?
Phineas Mason: No. Yeah. Kid's got a future.
Adrian Toomes: Yeah, well— We'll see, I guess.
Adrian Toomes: No, hey! Uh-uh! You can't saw through that stuff. These alien bastards are tough. You gotta use the stuff they use.
Adrian Toomes: See?
Herman Schultz: All right.
Adrian Toomes: All right. Oh, hey! Glad you could join us. Afternoon.
Jackson Brice: Yeah. My alarm didn't go off.
Adrian Toomes: Yeah, yeah, yeah, your alarm. Look, just go stack that armor plating like I asked you. This is a huge deal for us.
Anne Marie Hoag: Attention, please! In accordance with Executive Order 396B, all post-battle cleanup operations are now under our jurisdiction. Thank you for your service. We'll take it from here.
Adrian Toomes: Who the hell are you?
DODC Agent: Qualified personnel.
Adrian Toomes: Look, I have a city contract to salvage all this, okay, with the city, so-
Anne Marie Hoag: I apologize, Mr. Toomes, but all salvage operations are now under our jurisdiction. Please turn over any and all exotic materials that you've collected, or you will be prosecuted.
Adrian Toomes: Ma'am, what am I- Please. Come here. Hey, lady, come on. Look— I bought trucks for this job. I brought in a whole new crew. These guys have a family. I have a family. I'm all in on this. I could lose my house.
Anne Marie Hoag: I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do.
DODC Agent: Maybe next time, don't over extend yourself.
Adrian Toomes: What'd you say?
Adrian Toomes: Yeah, he's right. I overextended myself.
Worker: Don't do it.
Anne Marie Hoag: Put them down.
Anne Marie Hoag: If you have a grievance, you may take it up with my superiors.
Adrian Toomes: Your superiors. Who the hell are they?
News Anchor: A joint venture between Stark Industries and the federal government, the Department of Damage Control will oversee the collection and storage of alien and other exotic materials.
Herman Schultz: So now the assholes who made this mess are being paid to clean it up.
Phineas Mason: Yeah, it's all rigged.
News Anchor: Experts estimate there are over fifteen hundred tons of exotic material scattered throughout the tri-state area.
Worker: Hey, chief! We still have another load from yesterday. We're supposed to turn this in, right?
Jackson Brice: I ain't hauling it.
Phineas Mason: It's too bad. We could have made some pretty cool stuff from all that alien junk.
Adrian Toomes: I tell you what, let's keep it. The world's changing.
Adrian Toomes: It's time we change, too.
Adrian Toomes: There you go, Mason.
Adrian Toomes: Business is good.
Peter Parker: New York. Queens. It's a rough borough, but hey, it's home.
Happy Hogan: Who are you talking to?
Peter Parker: No one. Just making a little video of the trip.
Happy Hogan: You know you can't show it to anyone.
Peter Parker: Yeah, I know.
Happy Hogan: Then why are you narrating in that voice?
Peter Parker: Uh— Because it's fun.
Happy Hogan: Fun.
Peter Parker: So, uh, why do they call you Happy?
Happy Hogan: Come on. I'm not carrying your bags. Let's go.
Peter Parker: Hey, should I go to the bathroom before?
Happy Hogan: There's a bathroom on it.
Peter Parker: Whoa. No pilot? That's awesome.
Happy Hogan: Is that where you're gonna sit?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Happy Hogan: This is your first time on a private plane?
Peter Parker: My first time on any plane.
Peter Parker: Should it? Should it be? Should it be making that noise?
Peter Parker: Shh.
Peter Parker: No one has actually told me why I'm in Berlin or what I'm doing. Something about Captain America going crazy.
Happy Hogan: This is you.
Peter Parker: Oh, we're neighbors?
Happy Hogan: We're not roommates. Suit up.
Peter Parker: Okay, Peter, you got this. You got this.
Happy Hogan: What the hell are you wearing?
Peter Parker: It's my suit.
Happy Hogan: Where's the case?
Peter Parker: What case? That's not my—
Peter Parker: What? I thought that was a closet. This is still my room?
Happy Hogan: Go. Please.
Peter Parker: My room is way bigger than—
Happy Hogan: There.
Peter Parker: I found the case. I found the case. I found the case.
Peter Parker: "A minor upgrade"?
Peter Parker: Whoa. Oh my God.
Happy Hogan: Put it on.
Peter Parker: What the? This is the coolest thing I've ever seen-
Happy Hogan: Let's go.
Peter Parker: But, yeah. Well, I don't understand. Is it for me?
Peter Parker: Happy, Happy, wait.
Peter Parker: This is insane. Insane. Look at this thing. Look. Look at the eyes. This is the greatest day of my life.
Happy Hogan: Let's go.
Peter Parker: Okay.
Happy Hogan: Come on.
Peter Parker: Okay, there's Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow. Whoa. Who's that new guy?
Tony Stark: Underoos!
Peter Parker: Oh, that's me. I gotta go. I gotta go.
Peter Parker: Hey, everyone.
Peter Parker: Okay, so the craziest thing just happened, right? I just had a fight with Captain America and I stole his shield and I threw it at him-
Peter Parker: What the hell? He's big now. I gotta go. Hang on.
Peter Parker: Whoa!
Peter Parker: It was the most amazing thing that's ever happened! So Mr. Stark was like, "Hey, Underoos!" and I just sort of flipped in and I stole Cap's shield. I was like, "Hey, what's up, everybody?" And then—
Peter Parker: Hey, just a second! Coming!
Peter Parker: Hey.
Happy Hogan: We have thin walls here.
Tony Stark: What are you doing, a little video diary?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Tony Stark: It's all right. I'd probably do the same.
Happy Hogan: I told him not to do it. He was filming everything.
Tony Stark: It's okay.
Happy Hogan: I'm gonna wipe the chip.
Tony Stark: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what? We should actually— We should make an alibi video for your aunt anyway. You ready?
Peter Parker: Yeah, hold on.
Tony Stark: We rolling?
Peter Parker: An alibi? Sure.
Tony Stark: Get in the frame.
Peter Parker: Okay.
Tony Stark: Hey, May. How you doing? What are you wearing? Something skimpy, I hope.
Tony Stark: Peter, that's inappropriate. All right, let's start over. You can edit it.
Peter Parker: Mm-hmm.
Tony Stark: Three, two, one. Hey, May. My gosh, uh, I wanted to tell you what an incredible job your nephew did this weekend at the Stark internship retreat. Everyone was impressed.
Happy Hogan: Come on! It's a freaking merge. I'm sorry.
Tony Stark: This is because you're not on Queens Boulevard. See, Happy is— is hoping to get bumped up to asset management. He was forehead of security, and before that, he was just a driver.
Happy Hogan: That was a private conversation. I don't like joking about this. It was hard for me to talk to you about that.
Tony Stark: No, seriously, was he snoring a bunch?
Happy Hogan: All right. Here we are. End of the line. Whoops.
Tony Stark: Happy, can you give us a moment?
Happy Hogan: You want me to leave the car?
Tony Stark: Why don't you grab Peter's case out of the trunk.
Peter Parker: I can keep the suit?
Tony Stark: Yes, we were just talking about it.
Tony Stark: Do me a favor, though. Happy's kind of your point guy on this. Don't stress him out. Don't do anything stupid. I've seen his cardiogram. All right?
Peter Parker: Yes.
Tony Stark: Don't do anything I would do, and definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do. There's a— There's a little grey area in there, and that's where you operate.
Peter Parker: Wait, does that mean that I'm an Avenger?
Tony Stark: No.
Happy Hogan: This it?
Tony Stark: Seventh floor.
Peter Parker: I can take that. You don't have to take it.
Happy Hogan: You're gonna take it?
Peter Parker: Yeah, I can take that.
Happy Hogan: Thank you.
Peter Parker: So when's, when's our next— When's our next "retreat," you know? Like—
Tony Stark: What, next mission?
Peter Parker: Yeah, the mission. The missions.
Tony Stark: We'll call you.
Peter Parker: Do you have my numbers?
Tony Stark: No, I mean, we'll call you. Like, someone will call you.
Peter Parker: Oh.
Tony Stark: All right?
Peter Parker: From your team.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Tony Stark: It's not a hug. I'm just grabbing the door for you. We're not there yet.
Tony Stark: Bye.
Peter Parker: They're gonna call me.
Flash Thompson: What's up, Penis Parker?
Betty Brant: Rise and shine, Midtown Science and Technology.
Jason Ionello: Students, don't forget about your homecoming tickets. Do you have a date for homecoming?
Betty Brant: Thanks, Jason, but I already have a date.
Jason Ionello: Okay.
Betty Brant: Yeah.
Principal Morita: Good morning.
Principal Morita: Damn it. You, in my office right now.
Ned Leeds: Join me, and together— we'll build my new Lego Death Star.
Peter Parker: What?
Cheerleader: So lame.
Peter Parker: No way! That's awesome. How many pieces?
Ned Leeds: Three thousand eight hundred and three.
Peter Parker: That's insane.
Ned Leeds: I know. You want to build it tonight?
Peter Parker: No, I can't tonight. I've got the Stark-
Ned Leeds: Mm-hmm. Stark internship.
Peter Parker: Yeah, exactly.
Ned Leeds: Always got that internship.
Peter Parker: Yeah, well, hopefully, soon it'll lead to a real job with them.
Ned Leeds: That would be so sweet.
Peter Parker: Right?
Ned Leeds: He'd be all, "Good job on those spreadsheets, Peter. Here's a gold coin."
Ned Leeds: I don't know how jobs work.
Peter Parker: That's exactly how they work.
Ned Leeds: Oh. I'll knock out the basic bones of the Death Star at my place. And, and then I'll come by afterwards—
Ned Leeds: —because for the most part, the difficult thing is the base of it. The top half we can knock out in two hours, tops.
Peter Parker: That'd be great.
Girl: I'm gonna be late!
Ms. Warren: Okay, so how do we calculate linear acceleration between points A and B?
Ms. Warren: Flash.
Flash Thompson: It's the product of sine of the angle and gravity divided by the mass.
Ms. Warren: Nope.
Ms. Warren: Peter. You still with us?
Peter Parker: Uh— Uh— Yeah, yeah.
Peter Parker: Uh— Mass cancels out, so it's just gravity times sine.
Ms. Warren: Right. See, Flash, being the fastest isn't always the best if you are wrong.
Flash Thompson: You're dead.
Mr. Cobbwell: Today we'll be talking about Danish physicist Niels Bohr, but trust me, there is nothing Bohr-ing about his discoveries regarding quantum theory.
Peter Parker: Did Liz get a new top?
Ned Leeds: No. We've seen that before, but never with that skirt.
Girl: Liz, hey.
Liz Toomes: Hi!
Girl: That looks so good!
Peter Parker: We should probably stop staring before it gets creepy, though.
Michelle Jones: Too late.
Michelle Jones: You guys are losers.
Ned Leeds: But then why do you sit with us?
Michelle Jones: Because I don't have any friends.
Liz Toomes: Let's move to the next question. What is the heaviest naturally-occurring element?
Charles: Hydrogen's the lightest. That's not the question. Okay. Yeah.
Abe: Uranium.
Liz Toomes: That is correct. Thank you, Abraham.
Abe: Yes.
Liz Toomes: Please open your books to page ten.
Roger Harrington: Peter, it's nationals. Is there no way you could take one weekend off?
Peter Parker: I can't go to Washington because if Mr. Stark needs me, then I have to make sure that I'm here.
Flash Thompson: You've never even been in the same room as Tony Stark.
Cindy: Wait, what's happening?
Sally: Peter's not going to Washington.
Cindy: No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No.
Abe: Why not?
Liz Toomes: Really? Right before nationals?
Michelle Jones: He already quit marching band and robotics lab.
Michelle Jones: I'm not obsessed with him. Just very observant.
Liz Toomes: Flash, you're in for Peter.
Flash Thompson: Ooh, I don't know. I gotta check my calendar first. I got a hot date with Black Widow coming up.
Abe: That is false.
Roger Harrington: What did I tell you about using the bell for comedic purposes?
Peter Parker: Hey, what's up?
Man: Hey, man.
Peter Parker: What's up, Mr. Delmar?
Delmar: Hey, Mr. Parker. Number five, right?
Peter Parker: Yeah, um, and, uh, with pickles, and can you smush it down real flat? Thanks.
Deli Clerk: You got it, boss.
Delmar: How's your aunt?
Peter Parker: Yeah, she's alright.
Delmar: La tía de é les una italiana muy bellissima.
Deli Clerk: ¿Ah, sí?
Peter Parker: ¿Cómo está tu hija, eh?
Delmar: Ten dollars.
Peter Parker: It's five dollars.
Delmar: For that comment, ten dollars.
Peter Parker: Hey, come on, I'm joking. I'm joking.
Peter Parker: Here's five dollars.
Peter Parker: What's up, Murph? How you doing, buddy?
Delmar: So, how's school?
Peter Parker: Ah, you know, it's boring. Got better things to do.
Delmar: Stay in school, kid. Stay in school. Otherwise, you're gonna end up like me.
Peter Parker: This is great.
Delmar: Best sandwiches in Queens.
Peter Parker: Ah, finally.
Peter Parker: Hey, could you hold this for a second? Thanks.
Peter Parker: Hey, is this anybody's bike? No?
Peter Parker: Hey, buddy, is this your bike?
Man: I have no change.
Peter Parker: Does anyone have a pen? Do you have a pen?
Peter Parker: Whoo! Everybody good?
Street Vendor: Hey! You're that spider guy on YouTube, right?
Peter Parker: Call me Spider-Man!
Street Vendor: Okay, Spider-Man. Do a flip.
Street Vendor: Yeah!
Man: Not bad.
Peter Parker: Hey, buddy. Shouldn't steal cars. It's bad.
Car Jacker: It's my car, dumbass!
Marjorie: Hey! Shut that off!
Peter Parker: I was just tryin' to-
Car Jacker: Can you tell him it's my car?
Day Sleeper: I work at nights! Come on, dude!
Old Man: That's not your car! That's his car.
Peter Parker: How was I supposed to know? He was putting that thing in the window!
Resident 1: Every day with these damn alarms!
Resident 2: Shut it off!
Gary: Don't make me come down there, you punk!
Marjorie: Hey, Gary. How you doing?
Gary: Marjorie, how are you? How's your mother?
Peter Parker: Ugh! I'm good, I'm good.
Voicemail: You have reached the voicemail box of—
Happy Hogan: Happy Hogan.
Peter Parker: Hey, Happy! Um, here's my report for tonight. I stopped a grand theft bicycle. Couldn't find the owner, so I just left a note. Um— I helped this lost, old Dominican lady. She was really nice and bought me a churro. So I just, um, feel like I could be doing more. You know? Just curious when the next real mission is gonna be. So, yeah, just call me back. It's Peter. Parker.
Peter Parker: Why would I tell him about the churro?
Robber 1: Can't wait to see this thing, guys.
Peter Parker: Finally, something good.
Robber 1: Yo, this high tech stuff makes it too easy.
Robber 2: Told you it was worth it.
Robber 1: Okay, go, go, go.
Robber 3: Oh, nice.
Robber 4: We can hit, like, five more places tonight.
Peter Parker: What's up, guys? You forgot your PIN number?
Peter Parker: Whoa! You're the Avengers. What are you guys doing here?
Peter Parker: Thor. Hulk. Good to finally meet you guys. I thought you'd be more handsome in person.
Peter Parker: Iron Man. Hey, what are you doing robbing a bank? You're a billionaire.
Peter Parker: Hey! Oh, this feels so weird.
Peter Parker: Whoa, what is that thing?
Peter Parker: I'm starting— to think— you're not— the Avengers!
911 Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Delmar: Uh— Spider-Man is fighting the Avengers in a bank on 21st street.
Peter Parker: Alright guys, let's wrap this up. It's a school night.
Peter Parker: So, how do jerks like you get tech like this?
Peter Parker: No. Wait, wait, wait!
Peter Parker: Mr. Delmar.
Peter Parker: Hey, Mr. Delmar, you in there? Is anybody in here? Hello?
Peter Parker: Oh, come on. You've got to be-
Peter Parker: Here, here.
Delmar: Good, yeah.
Happy Hogan: Okay. Good. Yes. Yes- No. No, put that down. That's worth more than you or me. Yeah?
Peter Parker: Happy, the craziest thing just happened to me. These guys were robbing an ATM with these high tech weapons-
Happy Hogan: Hey, take a breath, okay? I don't have time for ATM robberies—
Peter Parker: Yeah, but-
Happy Hogan: —or the thoughtful notes you leave behind. I have moving day to worry about. Everything's gotta be out of here by next week.
Peter Parker: Wait. Wait! You're moving? Who's moving?
Happy Hogan: Yeah, don't you watch the news? Tony sold Avengers Tower. We're relocating to a new facility upstate where, hopefully, the cell service is much worse.
Peter Parker: But what about me?
Happy Hogan: What about you?
Peter Parker: Well, what if Mr. Stark needs me or something, I don't know, something big goes down? Can I please just talk to Mr. Stark?
Happy Hogan: Look, just stay away from anything too dangerous. I'm responsible for making sure you're responsible, okay?
Peter Parker: I am responsible. I- Oh, crap. My backpack's gone.
Happy Hogan: That doesn't sound responsible.
Peter Parker: I'll call you back.
Happy Hogan: Feel free not to.
May Parker: What was that?
Peter Parker: Uh, it's nothing. It's nothing!
Ned Leeds: You're the Spider-Man. From YouTube.
Peter Parker: I'm not. I'm not.
Ned Leeds: You were on the ceiling.
Peter Parker: No, I wasn't. Ned, what are you doing in my room?
Ned Leeds: May let me in. You said we were gonna finish the Death Star.
Peter Parker: You can't just bust into my room!
May Parker: The turkey meatloaf recipe is a disaster. Let's go to dinner. Thai? Ned, you want Thai?
Ned Leeds: Yes.
Peter Parker: No. He's got a thing.
Ned Leeds: A thing to do after.
May Parker: Okay.
May Parker: Maybe put on some clothes.
Ned Leeds: Oh, she doesn't know?
Peter Parker: Nobody knows. I mean, Mr. Stark knows because he made my suit, but that's it.
Ned Leeds: Tony Stark made you that? Are you an Avenger?
Peter Parker: Yeah, basically.
Ned Leeds: Whoa—
Peter Parker: You can't tell anybody about this. You gotta keep it a secret.
Ned Leeds: A secret? Why?
Peter Parker: You know what she's like. If she finds out people try and kill me every single night, she's not going to let me do this anymore. Come on, Ned, please.
Ned Leeds: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll level with you. I don't think I can keep this a secret. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, Peter!
Peter Parker: Ned, May cannot know. I cannot do that to her right now, you know? I mean, everything that's happened with her, I— Please.
Ned Leeds: Okay.
Peter Parker: Just swear it, okay?
Ned Leeds: I swear.
Peter Parker: Thank you.
Ned Leeds: Yeah.
Peter Parker: I can't believe this is happening right now.
Ned Leeds: Can I try the suit on?
Peter Parker: No.
Ned Leeds: How does it work? Is it magnets? How do you shoot the strings?
Peter Parker: I'm gonna tell you about this at school tomorrow, okay?
Ned Leeds: Great. Okay, well, wait, then. How do you do this and the Stark internship?
Peter Parker: This is the Stark internship.
Ned Leeds: Oh.
Peter Parker: Just get out of here.
May Parker: What's the matter? Thought you loved larb. It's too larby? Not larby enough. How many times do I have to say "larb" before you talk to me? You know I larb you.
Peter Parker: I'm just stressed. The internship, and I'm tired. A lot of work.
May Parker: The Stark internship. I have to tell you, not a fan of that Tony Stark. Distracted all the time— he's got you in your head.
News Anchor: The beloved Queens' institution, Delmar's Sandwiches, was destroyed—
May Parker: What does he have you doing?
News Anchor: —in an explosion—
May Parker: You need to use your instincts.
News Anchor: —earlier tonight after an ATM robbery was thwarted by Queens' own colorful local crime-stopper, the Spider-Man. As the Spider-Man attempted to foil their heist, a powerful blast was set off, slicing through the bodega across the street. Miraculously, no one was harmed.
May Parker: If you spot something like that happening, you turn and you run the other way.
Peter Parker: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
May Parker: Six blocks away from us.
Peter Parker: I— uh— I need a new backpack.
May Parker: What?
Peter Parker: I need a new backpack.
May Parker: That's five.
Thai Waiter: Sticky rice pudding.
May Parker: Oh, we didn't order that.
Thai Waiter: It's on the house.
May Parker: Oh! Thanks. That's nice of him.
Peter Parker: I think he larbs you.
Ned Leeds: You got bit by a spider? Can it bite me? Well, it probably would've hurt, right? You know what? Whatever. Even if it did hurt, I'd let it bite me. Maybe. How much did it hurt?
Peter Parker: The spider's dead, Ned.
Ned Leeds: Whoa.
Ned Leeds: You were here?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Ned Leeds: You could've died.
Ned Leeds: Do you lay eggs?
Peter Parker: What? No.
Ned Leeds: Can you spit venom?
Peter Parker: No.
Ned Leeds: Can you summon an army of spiders?
Peter Parker: No, Ned.
History Teacher: The Sokovia Accords were put into place—
Ned Leeds: How far can you shoot your webs?
Peter Parker: It's unknown. Shut up.
History Teacher: —to begin regulating—
Ned Leeds: If I was you, I would stand on the edge of a building and just shoot it as far as I could-
Peter Parker: Shut up, Ned.
Steve Rogers: Hi. I'm Captain America. Whether you're in the classroom or on the battlefield—
Ned Leeds: Do you know him too?
Peter Parker: Yeah, we met.
Steve Rogers: —fitness can be the difference between success or failure.
Peter Parker: I stole his shield.
Ned Leeds: What?
Steve Rogers: Today, my good friend, your gym teacher—
Steve Rogers: —will be conducting the Captain America Fitness Challenge.
Coach Wilson: Thank you, Captain. I'm pretty sure this guy's a war criminal now, but whatever. I have to show these videos. It's required by the state. Let's do it.
Ned Leeds: Do Avengers have to pay taxes?
Peter Parker: Shh!
Ned Leeds: What does Hulk smell like?
Peter Parker: Shh!
Ned Leeds: I bet he smells nice.
Peter Parker: You have to shut up.
Ned Leeds: Is Captain America cool, or is he like a mean, old grandpa?
Peter Parker: Ned, just, shh, okay?
Ned Leeds: Hey, can I be your guy in the chair?
Peter Parker: What?
Ned Leeds: Yeah. You know how there's a guy with a headset telling the other guy where to go?
Ned Leeds: Like, like if you're stuck in a burning building, I could tell you where to go. Because there'd be screens around me, and I could, you know, swivel around, and— 'Cause I could be your guy in the chair.
Peter Parker: Ned, I don't need a guy in the chair.
Coach Wilson: Looking good, Parker.
Betty Brant: Now, see, for me, it would be F Thor, marry Iron Man, and kill Hulk.
Charles: Well, what about the Spider-Man?
Betty Brant: It's just Spider-Man.
Liz Toomes: Did you guys see the bank security cam on YouTube? He fought off four guys.
Betty Brant: Oh my God, she's crushing on Spider-Man.
Charles: No way.
Liz Toomes: Kind of?
Betty Brant: Ugh, gross.
Betty Brant: He's probably like, thirty.
Charles: You don't even know what he looks like. Like, what if he's, like, seriously burned?
Liz Toomes: I wouldn't care. I would still love him for the person he is on the inside.
Ned Leeds: Peter knows Spider-Man!
Peter Parker: No, I don't. No. I— I mean—
Ned Leeds: They're friends.
Flash Thompson: Yeah, like Coach Wilson and Captain America are friends.
Peter Parker: I've met him. Yeah. A couple times. But it's, um— through the Stark internship. Mm-hmm.
Peter Parker: Yeah, well. I'm not really supposed to talk about it.
Flash Thompson: Well, that's awesome. Hey, you know what? Maybe you should invite him to Liz's party. Right?
Liz Toomes: Yeah, I'm having people over tonight. You're more than welcome to come.
Peter Parker: Having a party?
Flash Thompson: Yeah, it's gonna be dope. You should totally invite your personal friend Spider-Man.
Peter Parker: Um—
Liz Toomes: It's okay. I know Peter's way too busy for parties anyway, so—
Flash Thompson: Come on. He'll be there. Right, Parker?
Peter Parker: What are you doing?
Ned Leeds: Helping you out. Did you not hear her? Liz has a crush on you.
Ned Leeds: Dude, you're an Avenger. If any one of us has a chance with a senior girl, it's you.
May Parker: House party in the suburbs. Oh, I remember these. Kind of jealous.
Ned Leeds: It'll be a night to remember.
May Parker: Ned, some hats wear men. You wear that hat.
Ned Leeds: Yeah, it gives me confidence.
May Parker: Hmm.
Peter Parker: This is a mistake. Hey, let's just go home.
May Parker: Oh, Peter. I know. I know it's really hard trying to fit in with all the changes your body's going through. It's flowering now.
Peter Parker: Uh-huh.
May Parker: He's so stressed out lately.
Ned Leeds: What helps with stress is going to a party. We should go to the party.
Peter Parker: Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
May Parker: Peter.
May Parker: Have fun, okay?
Peter Parker: I will.
May Parker: Okay.
Ned Leeds: Bye, May!
Ned Leeds: Dude, you have the suit, right?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Ned Leeds: This is gonna change our lives.
Girl: Annie, over here!
Annie: Hey.
Male Voice: DJ Flash!
Ned Leeds: Okay. We're gonna have Spider-Man swing in, say you guys are tight, and then I get a fist bump or one of those half bro-hugs.
Michelle Jones: Can't believe you guys are at this lame party.
Ned Leeds: But you're here too.
Michelle Jones: Am I?
Liz Toomes: Oh, my gosh.
Liz Toomes: Hey, guys. Cool hat, Ned.
Ned Leeds: Hi, Liz.
Peter Parker: Hi, Liz.
Liz Toomes: I'm so happy you guys came. There's pizza and drinks. Help yourself.
Peter Parker: What a great party.
Liz Toomes: Thanks.
Liz Toomes: Oh, I— My parents will kill me if anything's broken. I gotta-
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Liz Toomes: Have fun.
Ned Leeds: Bye.
Liz Toomes: Bye.
Ned Leeds: Dude, what are you doing? She's here. Spider it up.
Peter Parker: No, no, no. I can't— I cannot do this. Spider-Man is not a party trick, okay? Look, I'm just gonna— be myself.
Ned Leeds: Peter, no one wants that.
Peter Parker: Dude.
Flash Thompson: Penis Parker, what's up?
Flash Thompson: So, where's your pal Spider-Man? Let me guess. In Canada with your imaginary girlfriend?
Flash Thompson: That's not Spider-Man. That's just Ned in a red shirt.
Peter Parker: Hey, what's up? I'm Spider-Man. Just thought I'd swing by and say hello to my buddy Peter. Oh, what's up, Ned? Hey, where's Peter, anyways? He must be around—
Peter Parker: God, this is stupid. What am I doing?
Peter Parker: What the hell?
Peter Parker: This sucks!
Jackson Brice: Now, this is crafted from a reclaimed sub-Ultron arm straight from Sokovia. Here. You try.
Aaron Davis: Man, I wanted something low-key. Why are you trying to upsell me, man?
Jackson Brice: Okay, okay, okay. I got what you need, all right? I got tons of great stuff here. One sec.
Jackson Brice: Okay, I got, uh, black hole grenades, Chitauri railguns—
Herman Schultz: You letting off shots in public now? Hurry up. Look, times are changing. We're the only ones selling these high tech weapons.
Peter Parker: Oh, this must be where the ATM robbers got their stuff.
Aaron Davis: I need something to stick up somebody. I'm not trying to shoot them back in time.
Jackson Brice: I got anti-grav climbers.
Aaron Davis: Yo, climbers?
Jackson Brice: Okay, what the hell was that?
Herman Schultz: Did you set us up?
Aaron Davis: Hey, hey, man.
Peter Parker: Hey! Hey, come on. You gonna shoot at somebody, shoot at me.
Herman Schultz: All right.
Peter Parker: What was that?
Peter Parker: What? Ah!
Herman Schultz: We gotta call him.
Jackson Brice: No, no, no, no.
Herman Schultz: Did you just do it again?
Jackson Brice: Shut up.
Herman Schultz: I'm calling him.
Phineas Mason: Toomes' phone.
Phineas Mason: Boss.
Peter Parker: Oh, my butt! Unh!
Peter Parker: Great. Guess I'm gonna have to take a shortcut.
Peter Parker: Hey, guys. Good game. Have fun.
Peter Parker: Hey, hey, buddy. Sorry, no time to play. Here, go fetch.
Peter Parker: Whoo! Now, this is more like it.
Peter Parker: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Peter Parker: Whoa.
Peter Parker: Smells really good!
Peter Parker: Great movie!
Peter Parker: Ugh— Oh, hey, guys.
Tent Kids: Aahhh!
Peter Parker: No! No!
Peter Parker: Hey, it's Peter. Leave a message.
Ned Leeds: Peter, where are you? The hat's not working. This is not cool.
Peter Parker: Almost got you.
Peter Parker: Thought you got away from me, didn't you? I got you right where I want you.
Peter Parker: Surprise!
Peter Parker: What the hell?
Peter Parker: Aahhhh!
Peter Parker: Huh? Oh, hey.
Peter Parker: And then he just, he just, like, swooped down like a monster and he picked me up and, uh, he took me up, like, a thousand feet and just dropped me. How'd you find me? Did you put a tracker in my suit or something?
Tony Stark: I put everything in your suit. Including this heater.
Peter Parker: Whoa!
Peter Parker: Whew, that's better. Thanks.
Tony Stark: What were you thinking?
Peter Parker: The guy with the wings is obviously the source of the weapons. I gotta take him down.
Tony Stark: Take him down now, huh? Steady, Crockett, there are people who handle this sort of thing.
Peter Parker: The Avengers?
Tony Stark: No, no, no. This is a little below their pay grade.
Peter Parker: Anyway, Mr. Stark, you didn't have to come all the way out here. I had that. I was fine.
Tony Stark: Oh, I'm not here.
Tony Stark: Thank God this place has Wi-Fi or you would be toast right now. Thank Ganesh while you're at it.
Tony Stark: Cheers.
Tony Stark: Look, forget the flying vulture guy, please.
Peter Parker: Why?
Tony Stark: Why? Because I said so!
Tony Stark: Sorry, I'm talking to a teenager. Stay close to the ground. Build up your game helping little people, like that lady that bought you the churro. Can't you just be a friendly—
Tony Stark: —neighborhood Spider-Man?
Peter Parker: But I'm ready for more than that now.
Tony Stark: No, you are not.
Peter Parker: That is not what you thought when I took on Captain America.
Tony Stark: Trust me, kid. If Cap wanted to lay you out, he would've. Listen to me. If you come across these weapons again, call Happy.
Peter Parker: Are you driving?
Tony Stark: You know, it's never too early to start thinking about college. I got some pull at MIT. End call.
Peter Parker: No, I don't need to go to col- Mr. Stark-
Friday: Mr. Stark is no longer connected.
Peter Parker: That's awesome.
Peter Parker: Stay close to the ground? What is he talking about?
Peter Parker: Whoa.
Peter Parker: Hey, man, what's up? I'm on my way back.
Ned Leeds: Actually, I was calling to say maybe you shouldn't come. Listen to this.
Flash Thompson: When I say "penis," you say "Parker." Penis!
Crowd: Parker!
Flash Thompson: Penis!
Crowd: Parker!
Ned Leeds: Sorry, Peter. I guess we're still losers. I'll see you tomorrow.
Peter Parker: I'll see you tomorrow in school.
Phineas Mason: Whoa, whoa.
Adrian Toomes: Idiots. Idiots.
Adrian Toomes: Idiots!
Phineas Mason: Boss. Your wife keeps texting you. Something about a brake light?
Adrian Toomes: What'd I tell you about looking at my phone?
Phineas Mason: Oh, sorry. You left it out. You know I'm a curious person by nature.
Phineas Mason: I finished designing that high-altitude vacuum seal.
Adrian Toomes: Huh?
Phineas Mason: In case you want to, you know, go for the big one?
Adrian Toomes: You're still on that? I told you, no. The answer's no. Forget it.
Jackson Brice: Whoo!
Jackson Brice: I mean, that was badass.
Adrian Toomes: How many times have I told you not to fire them out in the open?
Jackson Brice: You said, move the merchandise.
Adrian Toomes: Under the radar. Under the radar! That's how we survive. If you bring Damage Control or the Avengers down here, we're through. You're out there wearing that goofy thing, lightning up cars, calling yourself the Shocker. "I'm the Shocker. I shock people." What is this, pro wrestling?
Jackson Brice: Ah, whatever, old man. Come on.
Adrian Toomes: Look, look. I know you don't give a crap about anything. But I do. I built this whole place because I got people I have to look after.
Jackson Brice: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adrian Toomes: You know what? I can't afford your bullshit. Get out of here.
Jackson Brice: What?
Adrian Toomes: You're done. You're off the crew.
Jackson Brice: Yeah, all right. All right. Wonder if you can afford me out there, though, right? With everything I know.
Adrian Toomes: Excuse me?
Jackson Brice: Um, I'm just saying—
Jackson Brice: —maybe your wife would like to know where you really get your money from.
Adrian Toomes: You know what?
Jackson Brice: What?
Adrian Toomes: You're right. That work?
Phineas Mason: I don't know.
Adrian Toomes: I can't afford that.
Herman Schultz: Damn.
Adrian Toomes: I thought this was the antigravity gun.
Phineas Mason: What? No, that's that one.
Adrian Toomes: Here. Now you're the Shocker. Go out there and find that weapon he lost.
Herman Schultz: All right.
Peter Parker: Oh.
Ned Leeds: Hey, thanks for bailing on me.
Peter Parker: Yeah, well, something came up.
Ned Leeds: Oh, what is that?
Peter Parker: I don't know. Some guy tried to vaporize me with it.
Ned Leeds: Seriously?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Ned Leeds: Awesome.
Ned Leeds: I mean, not awesome. Totally uncool of that guy. So scary.
Peter Parker: Well, look, I think it's a power source.
Ned Leeds: Yeah, but it's connected to all these microprocessors. That's an inductive charging plate. That's what I use to charge my toothbrush.
Peter Parker: Whoever's making these weapons is obviously combining alien tech with ours.
Ned Leeds: That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said. I just want to thank you for letting me be part of your journey into this amazing-
Mr. Hapgood: Keep your fingers clear of the blades.
Peter Parker: I gotta figure out what this thing is and who makes it.
Ned Leeds: We'll go to the lab after class and run some tests.
Peter Parker: Let's do it.
Ned Leeds: First, I say we put the glowy thing in the mass spectrometer.
Peter Parker: First, we gotta come up with a better name than "glowy thingy."
Ned Leeds: You're right.
Peter Parker: Crap.
Peter Parker: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Herman Schultz: High schools creep me out.
Herman Schultz: They got this funny smell, you know?
Peter Parker: Hey, that's one of the guys that tried to kill me.
Ned Leeds: What?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Ned Leeds: We gotta get out of here.
Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no. I gotta follow them. Maybe they can lead me to the guy that dropped me in the lake.
Ned Leeds: Someone dropped you in a lake?
Peter Parker: Yeah, it was not good.
Ned Leeds: Peter-
Peter Parker: No. Stay there, Ned.
Ned Leeds: Peter.
Tiny McKeever: What are you doing?
Ned Leeds: Nothing.
Tiny McKeever: Oh.
Ned Leeds: Yeah. You good?
Tiny McKeever: Chess.
Randy Vale: Can you imagine what the boss would say if he knew where we were?
Herman Schultz: It's saying there was an energy pulse right here.
Randy Vale: There's no sign of the weapon. And even if it was here, now it's gone.
Herman Schultz: So are we.
Ned Leeds: This is so awesome.
Peter Parker: I know, right?
Peter Parker: They're in Brooklyn.
Ned Leeds: Staten Island.
Ned Leeds: Leaving Jersey.
Ned Leeds: They stopped.
Peter Parker: Maryland?
Ned Leeds: What's there?
Peter Parker: I don't know. Evil lair?
Ned Leeds: They have a lair?
Peter Parker: Dude. A gang with alien guns run by a guy with wings? Yeah, they have a lair.
Ned Leeds: Badass. But how are you gonna get there if it's, like, 300 miles away?
Peter Parker: It's not too far from D.C.
Abe: Hey, it's Peter.
Peter Parker: Guys.
Liz Toomes: Peter?
Friend: Hey, buddy.
Peter Parker: Yeah, I was hoping maybe I could rejoin the team.
Flash Thompson: No, no way. You can't just quit on us, stroll up, and be welcomed back by everyone.
Roger Harrington: Hey, welcome back, Peter. Flash, you're back to first alternate.
Flash Thompson: What?
Abe: He's taking your place.
Michelle Jones: Excuse me, can we go already? 'Cause I was hoping to get in some light protesting in front of one of the embassies before dinner, so.
Roger Harrington: Protesting is patriotic. Let's get on the bus.
Liz Toomes: Focus up, everyone. Our next topic is the moons of Saturn.
Cindy: The second law of thermodynamics.
Charles: Frank Sinatra.
Flash Thompson: Fort Sumter.
Abe: Flash is wrong.
Liz Toomes: Okay, guys, let's focus. Next one.
Roger Harrington: Liz, don't overwork them.
Peter Parker: Uh, strontium, barium, vibranium.
Liz Toomes: Very good, Peter. Glad to have you back.
Peter Parker: Glad to be back.
Liz Toomes: What is the current standard unit of radioactive-
Peter Parker: Can I take this real quick? I'll only be a sec.
Liz Toomes: Yeah, fine.
Peter Parker: Hello?
Happy Hogan: Got a blip on my screen here. You left New York?
Liz Toomes: Okay, focus up, everyone.
Peter Parker: Tracker.
Peter Parker: Uh, yeah. No, it's just a school trip. It's, uh, it's nothing.
Peter Parker: Look, Happy, I gotta say, you tracking me without my permission is a complete violation of my privacy.
Peter Parker: That's different.
Happy Hogan: What's different?
Peter Parker: Nothing. Look, it's just the Academic Decathlon. It's no big deal.
Happy Hogan: Hey, hey. I'll decide if it's no big deal.
Happy Hogan: Sounds like it's no big deal, but remember, I'm watching you.
Liz Toomes: Everyone stick together.
Roger Harrington: Yeah.
Charles: You kidding me? This place is huge.
Flash Thompson: I've seen bigger.
Abe: There's a bird in here.
Peter Parker: Hey, you brought your laptop, right?
Ned Leeds: Why?
Ned Leeds: Peter, why are we removing the tracker from your suit?
Peter Parker: Uh, because I gotta follow these guys to their boss before they move again and I don't really want Mr. Stark to know about it.
Ned Leeds: So you're lying to Iron Man now?
Peter Parker: No, I'm not lying. He just doesn't really get what I can do yet.
Peter Parker: Ah— Gotcha.
Peter Parker: All right, Happy. Enjoy tracking this lamp.
Ned Leeds: There's a ton of other subsystems in here—
Peter Parker: Hmm?
Ned Leeds: —but they're all disabled by the Training Wheels Protocol.
Peter Parker: What?
Peter Parker: "Training Wheels Protocol?"
Peter Parker: Turn it off.
Ned Leeds: I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, they're probably blocked for a reason.
Peter Parker: Come on, man. I don't need training wheels.
Peter Parker: I'm sick of him treating me like a kid all the time. It's not cool.
Ned Leeds: But you are a kid.
Peter Parker: Yeah, a kid who can stop a bus with his bare hands.
Ned Leeds: Peter, I just don't think this is a great idea. I mean, what if this is illegal?
Peter Parker: Look, please. This is my chance to prove myself. I can handle it. Ned, come on.
Ned Leeds: I really don't think this is a good idea.
Peter Parker: The guy in the chair.
Ned Leeds: Don't do that.
Peter Parker: Come on.
Peter Parker: Yeah, the glowy thing, it's evidence. Keep it safe.
Peter Parker: All right?
Ned Leeds: Okay, okay.
Peter Parker: They're moving.
Ned Leeds: Be careful.
Peter Parker: Hey, Liz.
Liz Toomes: Perfect timing. We're gonna go swimming. Come on, come on, come on.
Peter Parker: What?
Sally: Hey, Peter.
Cindy: Hi.
Peter Parker: Hey!
Peter Parker: I was, uh— I was gonna go study, um, in the business center.
Liz Toomes: Peter, you don't need to study. You're, like, the smartest guy I've ever met.
Liz Toomes: And besides— Um, a rebellious group activity the day before competition is good for morale.
Peter Parker: Hmm?
Liz Toomes: Um, well, I read that in a TED Talk, so, I-I heard it in a TED Talk. And I read a coaching book.
Peter Parker: Wow, you really— This is really important to you.
Liz Toomes: Yeah. It's our future. I'm not gonna screw it up. Besides, we raided the minibar and these candy bars were, like, eleven dollars. So get your trunks on and come on.
Charles: Come on.
Sally: Come on.
Liz Toomes: I'm coming, I'm coming.
Suit Lady: Good evening, Peter.
Peter Parker: Hello? Hello?
Suit Lady: Congratulations on completing the rigorous Training Wheels Protocol and gaining access to your suit's full capabilities.
Peter Parker: Ah, thank you.
Suit Lady: So where would you like to take me tonight?
Peter Parker: S, I, I, put a tracker on someone. He's a bad guy.
Suit Lady: Tracker located.
Suit Lady: Plotting course to intercept target.
Peter Parker: Okay, well, as long as I make it back in time for Decathlon, it's fine.
Suit Lady: One hundred meters from destination and closing.
Suit Lady: Jump now.
Suit Lady: Detecting three individuals.
Peter Parker: Why is their secret lair in a gas station? That's so lame.
Peter Parker: Hey, suit lady, what are they doing?
Suit Lady: Do you want to hear what they're saying?
Peter Parker: I can hear what they're saying? Uh, yeah.
Suit Lady: Activating Enhanced Reconnaissance Mode.
Phineas Mason: I got the gauntlet from the Lagos cleanup. The rest is all my design.
Peter Parker: Whoa, that's so cool.
Randy Vale: Can't believe they're still cleaning up that Triskelion mess.
Herman Schultz: I love it. They keep making messes, we keep getting rich.
Phineas Mason: Target inbound.
Peter Parker: Whoa, they're in the middle of a heist. I could catch them all red-handed. This is awesome. Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening.
Suit Lady: Would you like me to engage Enhanced Combat Mode?
Peter Parker: Uh, Enhanced Combat Mode? Yeah.
Suit Lady: Activating Instant Kill.
Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to kill anybody!
Suit Lady: Deactivating Instant Kill.
Herman Schultz: Did you hear that?
Peter Parker: What the hell just happened? What was that?
Suit Lady: You jumped off the sign and landed on your face.
Peter Parker: Suit lady, what's wrong with my web-shooters?
Suit Lady: Rapid-fire is the default for Enhanced Combat Mode.
Peter Parker: Why would I need rapid-fire?
Suit Lady: Would you like to see more options?
Suit Lady: You have 576 possible web-shooter combinations.
Peter Parker: Whoa, Mr. Stark really overdid it.
Herman Schultz: You two wait right here.
Phineas Mason: Wait. You're gonna want to turn on the dampers, though, or that thing will shatter your arm.
Herman Schultz: All right. Where's the dampers?
Peter Parker: That one.
Suit Lady: Great choice.
Suit Lady: Would you like me to set this as your new default?
Peter Parker: No, no, no.
Phineas Mason: Push that in.
Herman Schultz: Right here?
Phineas Mason: No, no, the other-
Herman Schultz: This one right here?
Phineas Mason: Yeah, push.
Peter Parker: What was that?
Suit Lady: Taser webs.
Peter Parker: Taser webs? I don't want taser webs.
Suit Lady: You seem to be very unfamiliar with your web-shooter settings. Would you like to run a refresher course?
Peter Parker: No, just— You choose.
Suit Lady: Sure thing.
DODC Central: Six-Alpha-Niner. Are you running on time?
DODC Driver: Copy, Central. Six-Alpha-Niner on schedule.
Herman Schultz: I have visual.
Phineas Mason: Green light, green light.
Peter Parker: Oh, that's him.
Vulture: Okay, I got eyes on the convoy. Pulling in behind the caboose.
Phineas Mason: Deploy anchors.
Vulture: Dropping down.
Phineas Mason: No outgoing distress signals. You're all clear.
Vulture: Hey. Looks like they got some good stuff here.
Peter Parker: Whoa, cool. It's some kind of matter phase shifter.
Vulture: Alright, coming up.
Peter Parker: Hey, Big Bird! This doesn't belong to you!
Peter Parker: Oh, god.
Peter Parker: Suit lady, what was that?
Suit Lady: You told me to choose.
Peter Parker: What? No, just set everything back to normal.
Suit Lady: Activating all systems.
Peter Parker: Oh, my head.
Suit Lady: You appear to have a mild concussion.
Peter Parker: Hey, so where am I right now?
Suit Lady: I'm not sure. The container walls are hindering my sensors.
Peter Parker: Wait a minute. They must have hijacked the truck and taken me to their evil lair. Okay, suit lady. We're gonna have to fight our way out of this one.
Peter Parker: Three, two, one!
Peter Parker: What is this place? Suit lady, where am I?
Suit Lady: You're in the most secure facility on the Eastern Seaboard. The Damage Control Deep Storage Vault.
Peter Parker: No. Seriously?
Suit Lady: The door will most likely remain closed until morning.
Peter Parker: Morning?
Peter Parker: Hey, suit lady, I kind of feel bad calling you "suit lady," you know? I think I should probably give you a name— like Liz. No, no, no. God, that's— that's weird.
Peter Parker: What about Karen?
Suit Lady: You can call me Karen if you would like.
Peter Parker: Hey, Karen, what else can this suit do?
Peter Parker: What?
Peter Parker: Maybe we should run that refresher course.
Karen: Ricochet web.
Peter Parker: Ricochet web.
Peter Parker: Whoa! Cool.
Karen: Splitter web.
Karen: Web grenade.
Peter Parker: Web grenade!
Peter Parker: Should I tell Liz that I'm Spider-Man?
Karen: Who is Liz?
Peter Parker: Who is Liz? She's.. heh. She's the best. She's awesome. She, uh, she's just a girl who goes to my school. And, uh— Yeah, I just— I really want to tell her, but it's kind of weird, you know? "Hey, I'm— I'm Spider-Man."
Karen: What's weird about that?
Peter Parker: What if she's expecting someone like Tony Stark? I mean, imagine how disappointed she'd be when she sees me.
Karen: Well, if I were her, I wouldn't be disappointed at all.
Peter Parker: Thanks, Karen. It's really nice to have somebody to talk to. Hey, how long we been here anyways?
Karen: Thirty seven minutes.
Peter Parker: What? Thirty seven minutes?
Peter Parker: That's insane. I cannot take this anymore. I gotta— I gotta get out of here.
Peter Parker: There's got to be something in here I can use.
Peter Parker: Okay, let's see.
Peter Parker: Nope.
Peter Parker: That's awesome.
Peter Parker: Ah, hey, it's like the glowy thing.
Karen: That glowy thing is an explosive Chitauri energy core.
Peter Parker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You mean, we've been carrying around a bomb?
Karen: It would require radiation to transform it into an explosive state.
Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no.
Peter Parker: Hey! Please! Please, somebody, let me out! Hey! Karen, you have to help me override that time lock.
Peter Parker: Okay Karen. Lower the voltage and run it.
Karen: Trial unsuccessful.
Peter Parker: Okay, we're just gonna have to try every sequence.
Student: Ned, Peter, we're gonna be late. Come on, let's go.
Ned Leeds: Okay, hold on, hold on.
Karen: Initiating trial 247.
Peter Parker: It worked! It works!
Moderator: Please be sure all cell phones are turned off.
Security: Thank you.
Peter Parker: Karen, you have to get me to Decathlon as fast as possible.
Karen: Sure thing. Just tell me where it is.
Peter Parker: Right across the street from the Washington Monument.
Ned Leeds: Hey, it's Ned. Leave a message.
Peter Parker: Ned, call me back! The glowy thing is a bomb!
Karen: There's a vehicle approaching on your right.
Moderator: We have now entered sudden death.
Moderator: The next correct answer wins the championship.
Moderator: Midtown Tech?
Michelle Jones: Zero.
Moderator: That is correct. Midtown takes the championship!
Student: We won!
Liz Toomes: You guys, I am so proud of you.
Flash Thompson: Told you we didn't need Peter.
Ned Leeds: Flash, you didn't answer a single question.
Roger Harrington: Taking it all in, Michelle?
Michelle Jones: Oh, yeah, I just— um, I don't really want to celebrate something that was built by slaves.
Roger Harrington: Oh, I'm sure the Washington Monument wasn't built by-
Roger Harrington: Okay. Enjoy your book.
Michelle Jones: Thanks.
Peter Parker: Oh, Ned, you're alive!
Ned Leeds: Peter, are you okay?
Peter Parker: Ned, Ned, where's the glowy thing, the glowy thing?
Ned Leeds: Don't worry, it's safe. It's in my backpack.
Peter Parker: No, Ned, listen! No, no, Ned, the glowy thing is dangerous.
Ned Leeds: You missed the Decathlon. I covered for you.
Peter Parker: Ned, listen to me!
Ned Leeds: We're at the Washington Monument now. You gotta-
Liz Toomes: Peter, is that you?
Peter Parker: Oh, hey, Liz.
Karen: Is that Liz?
Peter Parker: Please put Ned back on the phone.
Karen: You should tell her how you feel.
Liz Toomes: You freak! You are so lucky we won. You know, I want to be mad, but I'm more worried. Like, what is going on with you?
Peter Parker: Liz, I have to talk to Ned. It's really important!
Security: Miss, all items on the belt, please.
Peter Parker: Liz, there's something in Ned's backpack! It's really dangerous. Don't let it go through an X-ray.
Peter Parker: Liz? Liz! Damn it.
Flash Thompson: Hey, Mr. Harrington, can I be the one to tell Peter he's expelled?
Tour Guide: The Washington Monument is 555 feet, 5 and 1/8 inches tall. Notice how the marble and granite are cut around the stone.
Tourist: Did you hear that?
Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no, no. Karen, what's going on up there?
Karen: The Chitauri core has detonated and caused severe structural damage to the elevator.
Peter Parker: Oh, no.
Michelle Jones: My friends are up there!
Peter Parker: What? Uh— Don't worry, ma'am. Everything's gonna be okay. Excuse me, excuse me. Oh, my god, that's tall.
Charles: Oh, my god. Look at the ceiling.
Liz Toomes: Just stay calm, everyone.
Abe: Oh, we are all going to die here.
Karen: Estimating 10 minutes before catastrophic failure.
Charles: We're freakin' screwed.
Tour Guide: Okay guys, I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working.
Karen: The safety systems are completely failing.
Tour Guide: We're very safe in here.
Karen: The occupants are in imminent mortal danger.
Peter Parker: I'm going as fast as I can!
Park Ranger: Let's go. Give me your hand.
Karen: You now have 125 seconds until catastrophic failure.
Peter Parker: What? Why?
Karen: Unexpected motion has caused the deterioration to escalate.
PETER Peter Parker: How do I get in there?
KAREN Karen: Activating reconnaissance drone.
The emblem on Peter's suit detaches, and the spider-shaped robot flies up, over the monument.]
Peter Parker: Whoa, has that been there the whole time? That's awesome.
Karen: Locating optimal entry point.
Karen: Proceed to southwest window.
Peter Parker: Karen, I'm on my way.
Peter Parker: Ah!
Peter Parker: Okay. Oh, my god. Okay.
Karen: What's wrong? You've reached the southwest window. Why are you hesitating?
Peter Parker: It's fine. It's just, I've just never been this high before.
Karen: You have also not reinstalled your parachute, so a fall from this height would most likely be lethal.
Peter Parker: Perfect. Oh, my god.
Peter Parker: Why is it not breaking?
Karen: It's a four-inch ballistic glass. You'll have to create more momentum.
Police: This is D.C. Metro police. Identify yourself.
Peter Parker: My friends are in there! My friends are in there! Stop!
Police: Return to the ground immediately.
Roger Harrington: Okay, who's next?
Flash Thompson: Me, it's my turn!
Ned Leeds: Flash, seriously? What are you doing?
Flash Thompson: Come on.
Cindy: Don't worry about the trophy.
Students: Ah!
Police: Stand down! Return to the ground immediately!
Police: Return to the ground or we will open fire!
Police: Go up, go up!
Peter Parker: I got this.
Flash Thompson: Take my trophy!
Police: This is your last chance!
Peter Parker: Oh, I'm gonna die.
Peter Parker: Break!
Liz/Ned Leeds: Ahh!
Peter Parker: I did it! Whoa!
Peter Parker: Ahem. Hey, how you doing? Don't worry about it. I got you.
Ned Leeds: Yes! Yes!
Peter Parker: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, big guy, quit moving around.
Ned Leeds: Sorry, sir. So sorry.
Park Ranger: Let's go, let's go!
Park Ranger: Okay, okay.
Cindy: Mr. Harrington, go. Ned, come on.
Peter Parker: Alright. This is your stop.
Ned Leeds: Come on, Liz.
Peter Parker: Go, go, go. Everybody out! Move it, people. Move it, move it!
Liz Toomes: Are you sure it's safe?
Roger Harrington: Liz!
Peter Parker: You're okay. You're okay.
Peter Parker: Okay.
Students: Oh, my god. Good, good.
Roger Harrington: Come on up. Come on, you guys, stay back. Come on in. Come on in.
Peter Parker: So, uh, is everyone okay?
Karen: This is your chance, Peter. Kiss her.
Roger Harrington: Thank you.
Flash Thompson: Are you really friends with Peter Parker?
Phineas Mason: I can finish the next order, but without any new materials from that truck—
Adrian Toomes: Ugh, damn it. We still have enough to do the Gargan deal though, right?
Phineas Mason: Yeah, but then that's it.
Phineas Mason: Oh, maybe it is time that I built the high-altitude seal.
Adrian Toomes: Would you shut up about that?
Phineas Mason: It's only one job.
Adrian Toomes: No.
Adrian Toomes: Eight years, not a word from the Feds, nothing from those Halloween-costume-wearing bozos up there in Stark tower. And then all of a sudden, this little bastard in red tights shows up and he thinks he can tear down everything I've built. Really?
Adrian Toomes: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna find him—
Herman Schultz: I found him.
News Anchor: Spider-Man swooped in, heroically saving an Academic Decathlon team from Queens. The identity of the masked hero is still unknown.
Liz Toomes: Mom.
Doris Toomes: It's okay. Alright.
May Parker: Peter?
Families: Come here, come here. Oh, my god.
Jason Ionello: This past weekend, Midtown's Academic Decathlon team defeated the country's best to win the national championship. Later that day, they also defeated death.
Abe: Explosion. Sally scream. Flash scream. Everybody screamin'.
Charles: There were purple lasers and smoke everywhere, It was just like a bon Jovi concert.
Roger Harrington: As you know, we made it out alive, and that's the important thing. I couldn't bear to lose a student on a school trip. Not again.
Jason Ionello: Thankfully, no one was seriously injured, thanks to the Spider-Man.
Jason/Betty Brant: Thank you, Spider-Man.
Jason Ionello: Up next: The Spider-Man mania is sweeping the school. How can you show your spider spirit?
Ned Leeds: Dude, dude, dude, dude. What is it like being famous when nobody knows it's you?
Peter Parker: Crazy, dude.
Ned Leeds: It's crazy. Should we tell everyone?
Peter Parker: No.
Ned Leeds: Should I tell everyone?
Peter Parker: No, dude, no, that's not a good idea.
Ned Leeds: Okay, come on, we'll be late to class.
Peter Parker: I'm not going to class.
Ned Leeds: You're already in so much trouble for ditching the Decathlon.
Peter Parker: Dude, listen, I figured it out, right? The wing suit guy is stealing from Damage Control. And what he takes from Damage Control, that's how he builds the weapons. So all I gotta do is catch him.
Ned Leeds: But we have a Spanish quiz.
Peter Parker: Ned, I'm probably never gonna come back here. Mr. Stark is moving the Avengers upstate, so when I bring this guy in-
Ned Leeds: Dude, you want to be a high school dropout?
Peter Parker: I am so far beyond high school right now.
Principal Morita: Parker, my office.
Steve Rogers: So, you got detention. You screwed up.
Steve Rogers: You know what you did was wrong. The question is, how are you gonna make things right? Maybe you were trying to be cool. But take it from a guy who's been frozen for 65 years, the only way to really be cool is to follow the rules.
Steve Rogers: We all know what's right. We all know what's wrong. Next time those turkeys try to convince you of something you know is wrong—
Coach Wilson: Hey, where you going? Get back here.
Steve Rogers: Just think to yourself, what would Captain America do?
Coach Wilson: Why are you here? You don't even have detention.
Michelle Jones: Oh, I know. I just like coming here to sketch people in crisis.
Michelle Jones: Heh. It's you.
Steve Rogers: So your body's changing. Believe me, I know how that feels.
Peter Parker: May?
Peter Parker: Hey, Karen. What's up?
Karen: Hey, Peter. How was your Spanish quiz?
Peter Parker: Listen, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm trying to figure out who the guys under the bridge were that night, but I mean, I can only kind of remember part of a license plate.
Karen: I can run facial recognition on the footage of that encounter.
Peter Parker: Footage?
Karen: Yes, Peter. I record everything you see.
Peter Parker: Everything?
Karen: Everything.
Peter Parker: Like all the time?
Karen: It's called the Baby Monitor Protocol.
Peter Parker: Yeah, of course it is. Um, yeah, just roll it back to last Friday.
Karen: With pleasure.
Peter Parker: Hey, everyone. Yeah, kick-ass party. Hey, what's up, Liz? Peter's told me a lot about you.
Peter Parker: No, no, no. No, no, no. This is just me messing around. Go later in the day, later in the day.
Peter Parker: It is I, Thor, son of Odin!
Peter Parker: No, no, no, no, no, no. That's definitely— no. That's definitely not what we wanted to watch. Just—
Karen: Your impressions are very funny.
Peter Parker: Fast-forward to the arms deal.
Peter Parker: Okay. The two on the right, who are they?
Karen: Searching law enforcement databases. No records found for two of the individuals.
Peter Parker: Nothing?
Karen: One individual identified. Aaron Davis, age 33. He has a criminal record and an address here in Queens.
Peter Parker: Let's pay him a visit.
Karen: Would you like me to activate the Enhanced Interrogation Protocol?
Peter Parker: Uh, yeah.
Peter Parker: Remember me?
Aaron Davis: Uh, hey—
Peter Parker: I need information. You're gonna give it to me now.
Aaron Davis: All right, chill.
Peter Parker: Come on!
Aaron Davis: What happened to your voice?
Peter Parker: What do you mean, what happened to my voice?
Aaron Davis: I heard you by the bridge. I know what a girl sound like.
Peter Parker: I'm not a girl! I'm a boy. I mean, I'm a— I'm a man.
Aaron Davis: I don't care what you are, a boy, a girl—
Peter Parker: I'm not a girl! I'm a man. Come on, man. Look, who is selling these weapons? I need to know. Give me names or else.
Aaron Davis: You ain't ever done this before, huh?
Peter Parker: Deactivate interrogation mode.
Peter Parker: Look, man, these guys are selling weapons that are crazy dangerous. They can't just be out on the streets. Look, if one of them can just cut Delmar's bodega in half—
Aaron Davis: You know Delmar's?
Peter Parker: Yeah, best sandwich in Queens.
Aaron Davis: Sub Haven's pretty good.
Peter Parker: It's too much bread.
Aaron Davis: I like bread.
Peter Parker: Come on, man, please.
Peter Parker: Stupid interrogation mode. Karen, don't ever do that again.
Aaron Davis: The other night, you told that dude, "if you shoot somebody, shoot me." It's pretty ballsy. I don't want those weapons in this neighborhood. I got a nephew who live here.
Peter Parker: Who are these guys? What can you tell me about the guy with the wings?
Aaron Davis: Other than he's a psychopath dressed like a demon, nothing. I don't know who he is or where he is.
Aaron Davis: I do know where he's gonna be.
Peter Parker: Really?
Aaron Davis: Yeah, this crazy dude I used to work with, he's supposed to be doing a deal with him.
Peter Parker: Yes! Yes. Thank-
Aaron Davis: Hey. Hey. Hey. I didn't tell you where. You don't have a location.
Peter Parker: Right, of course. Yeah, my bad. Silly. Just—
Peter Parker: Yeah. Where is it?
Aaron Davis: Can I give you some advice?
Peter Parker: Hmm?
Aaron Davis: You got to get better at this part of the job.
Peter Parker: I don't understand. I'm intimidating.
Aaron Davis: Staten Island ferry, eleven.
Peter Parker: Oh, that's soon. Hey, that's gonna dissolve in two hours.
Aaron Davis: No, no, no, no. Come fix this.
Peter Parker: Two hours. You deserve that.
Aaron Davis: I got ice cream in here.
Peter Parker: You deserve that. You're a criminal. Bye, Mr. Criminal.
Peter Parker: Nice.
Peter Parker: Okay, Karen, activate Enhanced Reconnaissance Mode.
Karen: Sure thing.
Adrian Toomes: He's up front. Main deck.
Herman Schultz: I hate this guy.
Peter Parker: It's the guy from the bridge, right? Who's that other guy?
Adrian Toomes: Just keep me posted.
Karen: There's no record of him in my criminal database. Incoming call from May Peter. Should I reroute to your heads-up display?
Peter Parker: I can't talk right now. I'll call her back.
Peter Parker: Hey, dronie, keep an eye on that guy. We can't let anybody get away this time.
Peter Parker: Who's the guy on the left?
Karen: Mac Gargan. Extensive criminal record, including homicide. Would you like me to activate Instant Kill?
Peter Parker: No, Karen, stop it with the Instant Kill already.
Herman Schultz: White pickup truck.
Peter Parker: Dronie, scan the ship for a white pickup truck.
Peter Parker: Oh, this is too perfect. I got the weapons, buyers, and sellers all in one place.
Karen: Incoming call from Tony Stark.
Peter Parker: No, no, no. No, no, don't answer.
Tony Stark: Mr. Parker. Got a sec?
Peter Parker: Uh, I'm actually at school.
Karen: No, you're not.
Tony Stark: Nice work in D.C.
Peter Parker: Okay.
Tony Stark: My dad never really gave me a lot of support— And I'm just trying to break the cycle of shame.
Peter Parker: Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.
Tony Stark: Don't cut me off when I'm complimenting you. Anyway, great things are about to-
Tony Stark: What is that?
Peter Parker: Uh, I'm at band practice.
Tony Stark: That's odd. Happy told me you quit band six weeks ago. What's up?
Peter Parker: I gotta go. Uh, end call.
Tony Stark: Hey.
Peter Parker: I'll take those! Yoink!
Peter Parker: Hey, guys. The illegal-weapons-deal-ferry was at 10:30. You missed it.
Randy Vale: Spider guy's here.
Peter Parker: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast.
Peter Parker: Are you guys okay? My bad. That was a little hard.
Peter Parker: I gotta say the other guy was way better with that thing.
Peter Parker: I'm honestly, I'm, I'm shocked.
FBI Agent 1: Freeze! FBI!
FBI Agent 2: Don't move.
FBI Agent 1: Get on the ground.
FBI Agent 1: FBI.
Peter Parker: Wait, what do you mean, FBI?
Karen: The FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Peter Parker: I know what the FBI means, but what are they doing here?
Peter Parker: Get out of the way! Get out of the way!
Peter Parker: Look out, look out, look out. Move, move, move!
Adrian Toomes: Get to the top deck. We're getting out of here.
Peter Parker: Activate Taser Web!
Adrian Toomes: You're messing with things you don't understand.
Peter Parker: Oh, my god. What do I do? Karen, uh, give me an X-ray of the boat and target all the strongest points.
Peter Parker: Web grenade. Web grenade.
Peter Parker: Splitter web, go.
Karen: Great job, Peter. You are 98 percent successful.
Peter Parker: Ninety-eight?
Man: Yeah, Spider-Man!
Peter Parker: No, no, no, no!
Peter Parker: No!
Peter Parker: What the hell?
Peter Parker: What the hell—
Tony Stark: Hi, Spider-Man. Band practice, was it?
Man: Yeah, Iron Man!
Peter Parker: Uh, Mr. Stark? Hey, Mr. Stark. Could I do anything? What do you want me to do?
Tony Stark: I think you've done enough.
Adrian Toomes: So that's it, you're just gonna run?
Herman Schultz: Feds were waiting for us. Now we're on Iron Man's radar? Yeah, I'm running. You should, too.
Adrian Toomes: You know I can't do that.
Herman Schultz: So now what?
Adrian Toomes: Mason, can you get that high-altitude seal thing up and running in time?
Phineas Mason: Seriously? Yes. You will not regret this.
Adrian Toomes: You in?
Tony Stark: Previously on Peter Screws the Pooch: I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multimillion-dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the one thing I told you not to do.
Peter Parker: Is everyone okay?
Tony Stark: No thanks to you.
Peter Parker: No thanks to me?
Peter Parker: Those weapons were out there, and I tried to tell you about it. But you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you had just listened to me. If you even cared, you'd actually be here.
Tony Stark: I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Do you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14-year-old kid.
Peter Parker: I'm fifteen.
Tony Stark: No, this is where you zip it, all right? The adult is talking. What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? 'Cause that's on you. And if you died, I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience.
Peter Parker: Yes, sir.
Tony Stark: Yes.
Peter Parker: I, I'm sorry.
Tony Stark: Sorry doesn't cut it.
Peter Parker: I understand. I just wanted to be like you.
Tony Stark: And I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back.
Peter Parker: For how long?
Tony Stark: Forever.
Tony Stark: Yeah. Yeah, that's how it works.
Peter Parker: No, no, no— Please, please, please—
Tony Stark: Let's have it.
Peter Parker: You don't understand. Please. This is all I have. I'm nothing without this suit.
Tony Stark: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it. Okay? God, I sound like my dad.
Peter Parker: I don't have any other clothes.
Tony Stark: Okay, we'll sort that out.
Peter Parker: Hey.
May Parker: I've been calling you all day. You didn't answer your phone. You can't do that. Then this ferry thing happens. I've called five police stations.
May Parker: Five. I called five of your friends.
Peter Parker: I'm fine.
May Parker: I called Ned's mother.
Peter Parker: May, I'm okay. Honestly. Just relax. I'm fine.
May Parker: You. Cut the bullshit. I know you left detention. I know you left the hotel room in Washington. I know you sneak out of this house every night. That's not fine. Peter, you have to tell me what's going on. Just lay it out. It's just me and you.
Peter Parker: I lost the Stark internship.
May Parker: What?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
May Parker: What happened?
Peter Parker: I just thought that I could work really hard and he could, he would, you know. But I screwed it up.
May Parker: Oh— It's okay, it's okay. It's okay.
Peter Parker: I'm sorry I made you worry.
May Parker: You know I'm not trying to ruin your life.
Peter Parker: Yeah, I know.
May Parker: Just— I used to sneak out too.
Peter Parker: Yeah.
May Parker: And take a shower. You smell. You smell like garbage.
Peter Parker: I know.
Principal Morita: Peter, you're a good kid and you're a smart kid. So just try to keep your head straight, okay?
Peter Parker: Okay.
Principal Morita: All right. Get out of here.
Ned Leeds: Are you expelled? Do you have to go to that high school on 46th where the principal has a crossbow?
Peter Parker: Pretty sure that's an urban myth, and no, I'm not expelled.
Ned Leeds: You're so lucky.
Peter Parker: Me gusta hacer la tarea.
Spanish Teacher: Muy bueno, señor Parker.
Peter Parker: Hey.
Liz Toomes: Hey.
Peter Parker: I thought you had calculus fifth period.
Liz Toomes: Yeah, I was just doing some homecoming stuff.
Peter Parker: Hey, look, I, uh— I just wanted to apologize about the whole Decathlon thing. I really-
Liz Toomes: It's fine. Last week, Decathlon was the most important thing, but then I almost died.
Peter Parker: No, I, I just mean that— it was not cool, especially— —because— I like you.
Liz Toomes: I know.
Peter Parker: You do?
Liz Toomes: You're terrible at keeping secrets.
Peter Parker: Yeah, you'd be surprised.
Peter Parker: I got to get to class, but, um, I'd say we should hang out, but I'm gonna be in detention for—
Liz Toomes: Uh-huh.
Peter Parker: —ever, but, um, I guess you already have a date to homecoming.
Liz Toomes: Actually, I was so busy planning it I never really got around to that part, so—
Peter Parker: Uh, do you want to go with me?
Liz Toomes: Yeah. Sure.
Peter Parker: Really? I mean, uh, great. Cool.
Liz Toomes: Cool.
Peter Parker: I'm actually going that way.
Peter Parker: May, I need your help.
May Parker: Right?
May Parker: It's game day. So, what's the plan?
Peter Parker: Open the door for her.
May Parker: Mm-hmm.
Peter Parker: Tell her she looks nice, but not too much because that's creepy.
May Parker: Don't be creepy.
Peter Parker: No. And, uh, when I dance with her, I'm putting my hands on her hips. I got this.
Peter Parker: Love you.
May Parker: Bye.
Adrian Toomes: You must be Peter.
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Adrian Toomes: I'm Liz's dad. Put her there.
Adrian Toomes: Hell of a grip. Come on in here. Come on.
Doris Toomes: Hi, Peter. You look very handsome.
Peter Parker: Thank you.
Doris Toomes: You got his name right?
Adrian Toomes: Freddie?
Doris Toomes: Peter.
Adrian Toomes: Peter, Peter.
Doris Toomes: I'm gonna go get Liz.
Peter Parker: Okay.
Adrian Toomes: You all right, Pete?
Peter Parker: Yeah.
Adrian Toomes: Because you look pale. You want something to drink? Like a bourbon or a scotch, or something like that?
Peter Parker: I'm not old enough to drink.
Adrian Toomes: That's the right answer.
Adrian Toomes: Wow.
Adrian Toomes: Wow, wow, wow. Do you look beautiful.
Liz Toomes: Please don't embarrass me, Dad.
Adrian Toomes: Doesn't she, Pete?
Peter Parker: Yeah, you look really good.
Adrian Toomes: Once again, that's the right answer.
Liz Toomes: Is that a corsage?
Liz Toomes: Thanks.
Adrian Toomes: Well, hey, I'm your chauffeur, so, uh, let's get this show on the road.
Doris Toomes: No, no, no, no, we have to take some pictures, babe. All right. Oh, right here. Perfect.
Liz Toomes: Mom.
Doris Toomes: Okay. Come on, you guys. Peter, closer.
Doris Toomes: Smile. There you go.
Peter Parker: Sir, you don't have to drive us.
Adrian Toomes: No, no, it's not a big deal. I'm going out of town. It's right on my way.
Doris Toomes: He's always coming and going.
Adrian Toomes: Last time.
Doris Toomes: Have fun.
Liz Toomes: Thank you.
Adrian Toomes: Promise.
Doris Toomes: He's cute.
Liz Toomes: Shh.
Adrian Toomes: See you in a couple of days.
Doris Toomes: Bye, baby.
Adrian Toomes: All right.
Adrian Toomes: Come on, Pedro.
Doris Toomes: Bye, Peter. Have fun.
Peter Parker: Yeah, I will.
Adrian Toomes: What are you gonna do, Pete?
Peter Parker: What?
Adrian Toomes: When you graduate, what do you think you're gonna do?
Peter Parker: Oh, um, I don't know.
Liz Toomes: Don't grill him, Dad.
Adrian Toomes: Just saying, you know. All you guys who go to that school, you pretty much have your life planned out, right?
Peter Parker: Yeah, no, I'm just a sophomore.
Liz Toomes: Peter has an internship with Tony Stark. So I think he doesn't have to worry.
Adrian Toomes: Really?
Liz Toomes: Mm-hmm.
Adrian Toomes: Stark?
Liz Toomes: So cool.
Adrian Toomes: What do you do?
Peter Parker: Yeah, actually, I don't intern for him anymore.
Liz Toomes: Seriously?
Peter Parker: Yeah, it got, um— boring.
Liz Toomes: It was boring? You got to hang out with Spider-Man.
Adrian Toomes: Really? Spider-Man? Wow. What's he like?
Peter Parker: Yeah, he's nice. Nice man. Solid dude.
Adrian Toomes: Hmm.
Liz Toomes: Look, so cute.
Peter Parker: Aww—
Adrian Toomes: I've seen you around, right? I mean— Somewhere. We've, uh, have we ever? Because even the voice—
Liz Toomes: Um, he does Academic Decathlon with me.
Adrian Toomes: Oh.
Liz Toomes: And he was at my party.
Adrian Toomes: Ah.
Peter Parker: It was a great party, really great, yeah. Beautiful house, a lot of windows.
Liz Toomes: You were there for, like, two seconds.
Peter Parker: That was— I was there longer than two seconds.
Liz Toomes: You disappeared.
Peter Parker: No, no. I did not disappear.
Liz Toomes: Yes, you did. You disappeared like you always do. Like you did in D.C., too.
Adrian Toomes: That's terrible, what happened down there in D.C., though. Were you scared?
Adrian Toomes: I'll bet you were glad when your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though, huh?
Peter Parker: Yeah, well, I actually didn't go up. I saw it all from the ground.
Liz Toomes: Yeah.
Peter Parker: Very lucky that he was there that day.
Adrian Toomes: Good old Spider-Man.
Liz Toomes: Dad, the light.
Adrian Toomes: Here we are. End of the line.
Liz Toomes: Thanks, Dad.
Adrian Toomes: You head in there, gumdrop. I'm gonna give Peter the, uh, the "dad talk."
Liz Toomes: Don't let him intimidate you.
Liz Toomes: Love you.
Adrian Toomes: Love you, gumdrop.
Liz Toomes: Have a safe flight.
Liz Toomes: Hi! You guys look so pretty.
Adrian Toomes: Does she know?
Peter Parker: Know what?
Adrian Toomes: So she doesn't. Good. Close to the vest. I admire that. I've got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date—
Adrian Toomes: Peter, nothing is more important than family. You saved my daughter's life. I could never forget something like that. So I'm gonna give you one chance. Are you ready? You walk through those doors, you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ever interfere with my business again. Because if you do, I'll kill you and everybody you love. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family. Do you understand?
Adrian Toomes: Hey. I just saved your life. Now, what do you say?
Peter Parker: Thank you.
Adrian Toomes: You're welcome. Now, you go in there and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good.
Liz Toomes: Hey. What did he say to you?
Peter Parker: Gotta go. I'm, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this.
Herman Schultz: He gave you a choice. You chose wrong.
Peter Parker: Ah, what the hell?
Herman Schultz: What's with the crappy costume?
Peter Parker: My web-shooters—
Herman Schultz: I wasn't sure about this thing at first, but damn.
Peter Parker: Ugh. Gross.
Peter Parker: Why did he send you here?
Herman Schultz: Guess you'll never know.
Peter Parker: Nice shot!
Peter Parker: Yes! Ned, the guy with the wings is Liz's dad.
Ned Leeds: What?
Peter Parker: I know. I gotta tell Mr. Stark. Call Happy Hogan. He's Mr. Stark's head of security. And, uh, get a computer to track my phone for me.
Ned Leeds: Are you gonna be okay?
Peter Parker: Hurry, we gotta catch him before he leaves town.
Flash Thompson: I'm sorry about dinner, but I know when branzino's fresh, and that was not fresh, okay? So—
Peter Parker: Flash, I need your car and your phone.
Flash Thompson: Uh, sir, technically, this is my dad's car, sir. So I can't—
Peter Parker: Hello, Ned? Hey, hey, hey, hey, can you hear me?
Ned Leeds: Go for Ned.
Peter Parker: Ned, I need you to track my phone for me.
Ned Leeds: Yeah, but where is it?
Ned Leeds: Genius move. Okay, he just passed the GameStop on Jackson Avenue.
Peter Parker: Hey, where are the headlights on this thing? I'm in Flash's car.
Ned Leeds: I'll pull the specs.
Peter Parker: Okay, you're on speakerphone.
Ned Leeds: You stole Flash's car. Awesome.
Peter Parker: Yeah, it's awesome. It's awe— Whoa!
Peter Parker: Get out of the way, get out of the way! Move! Move!
Ned Leeds: Peter, are you okay?
Peter Parker: I've never really driven before. Only with May in parking lots. This is a huge step up—
Peter Parker: Hey, have you gotten through to Happy yet?
Ned Leeds: Yeah. I'm working on it. I just gotta backdoor the phone system.
Ned Leeds: Guy in the chair.
Happy Hogan: Takeoff in nine minutes. Hello? Hello? Who is this?
Ned Leeds: Uh— Mr. Happy, it's Ned.
Happy Hogan: Who?
Ned Leeds: I'm an associate of Peter Parker. Got something very important to tell you-
Happy Hogan: You gotta be shitting me.
Ned Leeds: Damn.
Peter Parker: Hey, Ned, how we coming on with those headlights?
Ned Leeds: Uh— Round knob to the left of the steering wheel, turn clockwise.
Peter Parker: Left. Okay. Okay, perfect. So where's my phone now?
Ned Leeds: Um— He stopped in an old industrial park in Brooklyn.
Peter Parker: What? That makes no sense. I thought he said he was going out of town!
Ned Leeds: Weird. Oh, I reached Mr. Happy. Don't think he likes you, by the way. It sounded like he was catching a flight. He said something about taking off in nine minutes.
Peter Parker: What?
Ned Leeds: He was surrounded by a bunch of boxes.
Peter Parker: Boxes? It's moving day. It's moving day! It's moving day! He's gonna rob that plane! I gotta stop him!
Happy Hogan: All right, wheels up in eight minutes. We just got to load Tony's old Hulkbuster armor, prototype for Cap's new shield, and the Meging— the Meg— the— Thor's magic belt.
Ned Leeds: Okay, slow down. You're getting close. It's on your right.
Peter Parker: What?
Ned Leeds: Turn right! Turn right!
Ned Leeds: Peter, are you okay?
Peter Parker: Yeah. Just keep trying to get through to Happy.
Ned Leeds: It's been an honor, Spider-Man.
Ms. Warren: What are you doing here? There's a dance.
Ned Leeds: Uh—
Ned Leeds: I'm— looking— at— porn.
Peter Parker: Hey! Surprised?
Adrian Toomes: Oh, hey, Pete. I didn't hear you come in.
Peter Parker: It's over. I've got you.
Adrian Toomes: You know, I gotta tell you, Pete, I really, really admire your grit. I see why Liz likes you. I do. When you first came to the house, I wasn't sure. I thought, "Really?" But I get it now.
Peter Parker: How could you do this to her?
Adrian Toomes: To her? I'm not doing anything to her, Pete. I'm doing this for her.
Peter Parker: Huh, yeah.
Adrian Toomes: Peter, you're young. You don't understand how the world works.
Peter Parker: Yeah, but I understand that selling weapons to criminals is wrong.
Adrian Toomes: How do you think your buddy Stark paid for that tower? Or any of his little toys? Those people, Pete, those people up there, the rich and the powerful, they do whatever they want. Guys like us, like you and me, they don't care about us. We build their roads and we fight all their wars and everything, but they don't care about us. We have to pick up after 'em. We have to eat their table scraps. That's how it is. I know you know what I'm talking about, Peter.
Peter Parker: Why are you telling me this?
Adrian Toomes: Because I want you to understand. And— I needed a little time to get her airborne.
Adrian Toomes: I'm sorry, Peter.
Peter Parker: What are you talking about? That thing hasn't even touched me yet.
Adrian Toomes: True. Then again, wasn't really trying to.
Phineas Mason: Chief, they're powering up engines.
Adrian Toomes: Okay.
Phineas Mason: Come on, come on, come on.
Adrian Toomes: Yeah, yeah.
Peter Parker: Oh, god. Okay, ready?
Peter Parker: Hello! Hello! Please. Hey, hey, please. I'm down here. I'm down here. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I can't move. I can't—
Tony Stark: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it.
Peter Parker: Come on, Peter. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man!
Phineas Mason: Launch for intercept. Green light. Green light.
Adrian Toomes: Oh, yeah.
Tech: Retro-reflective panels engaged.
Adrian Toomes: Got a visual on the plane, feeling a little resistance.
Phineas Mason: It's probably just a drag on the new turbines.
Peter Parker: Ah! Whoa!
Phineas Mason: Look out for the cloaking cameras. Stay in the blind spots.
Peter Parker: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Phineas Mason: Deploy high-altitude vacuum seal.
Adrian Toomes: This better work, Mason.
Phineas Mason: Trust me, boss. Even one of those boxes and we are set for life.
Adrian Toomes: Yeah.
Peter Parker: Hey! Ah! Whew.
Phineas Mason: You have thirty seconds to get to the cockpit and override their security.
Adrian Toomes: Cloning transponder signal.
Phineas Mason: Launching decoy drone.
Adrian Toomes: Entering new coordinates.
Happy Hogan: Good, so it's on its way?
Tech: Yes, sir, right on course.
Happy Hogan: Okay, thank you. All right.
Adrian Toomes: Hot dog.
Peter Parker: Just a typical homecoming on the outside of an invisible jet— Fighting my girlfriend's dad.
Peter Parker: Oh, god!
Peter Parker: Whew. I can't believe that worked.
Phineas Mason: Chief, chief, they're losing altitude. Get out of there.
Adrian Toomes: I'm not going home empty-handed.
Peter Parker: Oh, my god.
Phineas Mason: Get out of there! What are you doing?
Peter Parker: Please turn! Please turn!
Adrian Toomes: Hey, Pedro.
Adrian Toomes: Bingo.
Peter Parker: Your wing suit. Your wing suit's gonna explode!
Adrian Toomes: Time to go home, Pete.
Peter Parker: I'm trying to save you!
Peter Parker: No.
Ned Leeds: It looked so insane. That whole— Like, it was just crazy. He, he was just like, "Zzzz," and you were like, "Ah!"
Peter Parker: Shh.
Ned Leeds: And then I just hit him with the "pew." It was so, oh, my god.
Peter Parker: You saved me. It was awesome.
Peter Parker: Hey, Liz!
Betty Brant: I'm gonna miss you.
Liz Toomes: Bye.
Peter Parker: Liz.
Peter Parker: Liz, look. I'm so sorry.
Liz Toomes: You say that a lot. What are you sorry for this time?
Liz Toomes: The dance? That was a pretty crappy thing to do.
Peter Parker: Well, yeah, but I— I mean, your dad— I can't imagine what you're going through. If there's anything I can do to help—
Liz Toomes: I guess we're moving to Oregon. Mom says it's nice there, so that's cool. Anyways, Dad doesn't want us here during the trial, so—
Peter Parker: Liz, I— I—
Liz Toomes: Bye, Peter. Whatever's going on with you, I hope you figure it out.
Roger Harrington: Congratulations, Decathlon national champions.
Decathlon Team: Yeah!
Roger Harrington: I'm gonna have to put this back in the trophy case soon, but just for motivation right now at this practice. I'm a little ahead of the game, but we will need a new team captain next year. So I'm appointing Michelle.
Decathlon Team: Yeah!
Michelle Jones: Uh, thank you. My friends call me M.J.
Ned Leeds: I thought you didn't have any friends.
Michelle Jones: I didn't.
Peter Parker: I— I gotta go.
Michelle Jones: Hey, where you going?
Michelle Jones: What are you hiding, Peter?
Michelle Jones: I'm just kidding. I don't care. Bye. All right, so we should run some drills.
Ned Leeds: Yeah.
Peter Parker: Hey, Happy. What, uh— What are you doing here?
Happy Hogan: I really owe you one. I don't know what I would do without this job. I mean, before I met Tony-
Peter Parker: So, uh, how long you been here?
Happy Hogan: Long enough to be awkward. Boss wants to see you.
Peter Parker: Is he here too?
Happy Hogan: In the toilet? No, he's upstate.
Peter Parker: Upstate? Like, upstate-upstate?
Happy Hogan: Yeah, let's go.
Happy Hogan: Take a look. It's pretty impressive, huh?
Happy Hogan: They just finished remodeling the whole thing.
Happy Hogan: You don't see that every day.
Tony Stark: Oh, there they are. How was the ride up?
Happy Hogan: Good.
Tony Stark: Give me a minute with the kid.
Happy Hogan: Seriously?
Tony Stark: Yeah. I gotta talk to the kid.
Happy Hogan: I'll be close behind.
Tony Stark: How about a loose follow? All right? Boundaries are good.
Tony Stark: Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough-love moment that you needed, right? To urge you on, right? Wouldn't you think? Don't you think?
Peter Parker: Yeah, yeah, I guess.
Tony Stark: Let's just say it was.
Peter Parker: Mr. Stark, I really-
Tony Stark: You screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing. Took the dog to the free clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies— All right, not my best analogy. I was wrong about you. I think, with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team.
Peter Parker: To the— To the team?
Tony Stark: Yeah. Anyway— There's about fifty reporters behind that door. Real ones, not bloggers.
Tony Stark: When you're ready— Why don't you try that on? And I'll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers: Spider-Man.
Peter Parker: I—
Tony Stark: Yeah. Give that a look.
Tony Stark: So, after the press conference, Happy will show you to your room, your new quarters. Where's he between? He's next to Vision?
Happy Hogan: Yeah, Vision's not big on doors.
Tony Stark: It's fun.
Happy Hogan: Or walls.
Tony Stark: You'll fit right in.
Peter Parker: Thank you, Mr. Stark. But I'm good.
Tony Stark: You're good? Good? How are you good?
Peter Parker: Well, I mean, I'm— I'd rather just stay on the ground for a little while. Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Somebody's got to look out for the little guy, right?
Tony Stark: You turning me down? You better think about this. Look at that. Look at me. Last chance, yes or no?
Peter Parker: No.
Tony Stark: Okay. It's kind of a Springsteen-y, working class hero vibe that I dig. Uh, Happy will take you home. Yeah?
Happy Hogan: Yeah. Mind waiting in the car? I need a minute.
Peter Parker: Thank you, Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: Yes, Mr. Parker. Very well.
Peter Parker: See you around.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Peter Parker: That was a test, right? There's, uh, nobody back there?
Tony Stark: Yes, you passed. All right, skedaddle there, young buck.
Peter Parker: Thank you, Mr. Stark. Thank you.
Tony Stark: Yeah, thank you.
Happy Hogan: Told you he's a good kid.
Pepper Potts: Where's the kid?
Happy Hogan: He left.
Pepper Potts: Everybody's waiting.
Tony Stark: You know what? He actually made a really mature choice. It just surprised the heck out of us.
Pepper Potts: Did you guys screw this up?
Tony Stark: He told the kid to go wait in the car.
Pepper Potts: Are you kidding me? I have a room full of people in there waiting for some big announcement. What am I gonna tell them?
Tony Stark: Think of something. How about, um— Hap, you still got that ring?
Happy Hogan: Do I— I, uh—
Tony Stark: The engagement ring?
Happy Hogan: Are you kidding? I've been carrying this since 2008.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Pepper Potts: I think I can think of something better than that.
Tony Stark: Well, it would buy us a little time.
Tony Stark: Like we need time.
Pepper Potts: I can't believe you have that thing in your pocket.
Tony Stark: Want me to get the door for you, hon?
Pepper Potts: I got it.
Peter Parker: Aunt May, did you do dinner already?
Peter Parker: May?
May Parker: What the fu-!?
Mac Gargan: Look who it is! What are the odds you and I'd end up in the same summer camp? Relax. This? It's not on you. It's on our, uh— little spider friend. I've got some boys on the outside who would love to meet him. You know, take a picture, slice his throat, put his head in a dryer. And I heard a rumor— you know who he is.
Adrian Toomes: If I knew who he was, he'd already be dead.
Guard: Toomes, your family's here.
Steve Rogers: Hi. I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a soldier or student can have. Patience. Sometimes patience is the key to victory. Sometimes it leads to very little. It seems like it's not worth it. And you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing.
Steve Rogers: How many more of these?

Transcript of Spider-Man: Homecoming

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